Trauma and the Future

A dear friend of mine defines maturity in people as "a deep ability to connect present actions to future outcomes." I generally agree with this definition, since it incapsulates something many people have experienced - you feel like you are going to live forever in your twenties, and then things start to recede from there. As you get older, you find yourself taking care of yourself physically to have more independence as you age. You put money into a 401(k). You think about your house value. Maybe you start a college fund for your child. You start thinking about what your child might be like as an adult. You think about where your career is going. You start wondering if your efforts have made a difference in the long term.

This type of future connect isn't easy for everyone. It would be be easy to assume that failure to do these things simply indicates immaturity but that's usually dead wrong.

A “sense of foreshortened future” is mentioned as a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR, p. 468). In DSM-5, there is a more general statement about various negative expectations concerning the future.

I know that I have seen this symptom in several of my clients who have been victims of different forms of domestic abuse. For years, or even decades, their lives have been about surviving to the next day. Contemplating the future seems like some impossible thing that will never happen. Perhaps, on a deeper level, these clients have spent so much time in danger that they simply cannot foresee a future with them in it.

I've seen the same thing in a lot of the combat veterans I've worked with over the years.

One of the challenges of helping people with these experiences through a divorce is to help them work through finding a future with themselves in it. The future is an essential part of almost any divorce - you will have to account for your children, their support, and other things like their retirement situation.

I often hear statements that sound good on their surface.

"I just want the kids. I don't care about anything else."

"As long as I get the house, she can do whatever she wants with the pension."

I often have to sit down and carefully map out how disregarding those things in a divorce settlement can have nasty impacts down the line. It isn't easy. Many clients like this just want to deal with what they perceive as the immediate threat and then be done. It takes courage to dig deep and look into a future they have not spent much time connecting with. As difficult as it can be, it is also very rewarding for most clients. Planning a future where clients not only exist, but thrive, far away from a bad situation can be transformational and deeply healing.

(Actually having some retirement assets doesn't hurt either.)

The reason I share this is because many of the people who have these types of symptoms are not aware that this is a symptom of PTSD. They feel shame and tell me things like, "I'm bad at being an adult" or "I'll never figure out how money stuff works." They treat the disregard of the future like a shortcoming or a dirty little secret.

I have to point out (sometimes forcefully) that this behavior does not reflect immaturity, laziness, unworthiness, or anything else... it is a symptom of a health condition. It should merit no more shame than a bad knee or a bad back. It is not shameful... it is a survival trait. When people are in immediate danger, sitting around and thinking about their 401(k) won't make it less likely they get killed. People develop this neural pathway to survive situations most people cannot even contemplate.

It is not a sign of weakness. It is indicator of the will to survive.

The trick is to gently see this behavior for what it is, respect it, and get help from people to work past it and into a better future.

If you know anyone like this who is beating themselves up, hopefully you can share this and help them feel better. If I spent the rest of my career helping people ditch the shame associated with these traits, I'm convinced it would be a career well-spent.

As always, I hope this helps.