Manners and Anxiety: A Matter of Burning Extremities

Can you recite the pledge of allegiance? Could you do it while you were driving? Could you do it while doing a math problem? Could you do it while your leg was on fire?

It is a silly illustration, but it makes a point - seemingly simple tasks can become very complicated if done under increasing amounts of pressure.

What does this have to do with manners?

As it turns out, quite a bit.

First you have to get a better understanding of what the term "manners" means. The way I see it, there are two levels to this topic.

The surface layer of manners is formulaic. This is very much the "please and thank you" we teach young children. It evolves into things like thank-you notes, flowers on dates, opening doors, or inviting relatives over for the holidays. These are broad social "rules" that we either consciously or unconciously adopt. They do not tend to take a lot of thought - you can almost learn the basics from watching them on television.

The deeper level is more fluid and thoughtful. It requires you to be able to look at another person, assess their condition, imagine their perception of your actions, imagine their reaction, and then tailor your own behavior accordingly. This might be illustrated by a close friend telling you that they just got dumped by their significant other. You have to assess what you know about that person and what you know about that relationship to determine if the right action is to hug them and say, "I'm so sorry" or to make some wry joke, like "I never liked that *&$% anyway."

In their normal state, people actually run these "models" in their heads and adjust behavior constantly.

Rude behavior, then, is deviation from either the surface or deep levels of manners.

When confronted with it, most of us are too quick to jump to the conclusion that this behavior is evidence of a morally or emotionally deficient person (colloquially referred to as a "jerk").

In my experience, many of the people who exhibit one of the types of rudeness aren't fundamentally bad people... they're just compromised.

As you may imagine, I deal with many very stressed people as a divorce lawyer. They come to me at one of the most stressful times of their lives and they have to relay stunning amounts of very complicated information. It is not entirely unlike reciting the pledge of allegiance while your leg is ablaze.

In this very compromised state, their ability to do the complex analysis needed for good manners is often sorely lacking. In this context, I see this behavior for exactly what it is. I do not get offended or react emotionally. I typically figure out the easiest path to de-escalate the person so I can work with them better.

That trait - asking questions about why when confronted with offensive behavior - is extraordinarily useful outside of my professional life. Asking yourself if a person is compromised, how they might be compromised, and how you can deal with them anyway turns all manner of negative interactions into productive ones.

Mental health professionals can do with breath-taking skill, but I think that the basics of this is within all of our grasps if we are willing to do the work, put aside our ego, and try to get ahold of our basic tendencies to react to things.

As always, I hope this helps.