The Bad Divorce Friend - The Repeater

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you probably know that I am a vocal advocate for people forming "survival committees" of close friends to get you through the harrowing process of the divorce. While I do believe that friends are essential to make it through a divorce, I want to take a moment and make sure we were talking about the right type of friend.

Not all friends are good companions for your divorce.

There are a lot potentially bad divorce friends (the unwise, the volatile, the uninformed), but I want to specifically call out one particularly dangerous breed of "bad divorce friend": the Repeater.

This is the person who has been through a messy divorce. They have many of the qualities of a good divorce friend - they are invested, "supportive" (more on that later), and they know an enormous amount about the process - everything from hiring lawyers to GALs to trials to alimony. At first glance, they can seem like a comforting island of information and certainty. They will validate your feelings of fear and hurt. They will encourage you.

But...

What sets them apart from a good divorce friend is subtle but profound. They went through a divorce that was traumatic and high conflict and either consciously or consciously believe that all divorces must be like that. I call this person "the Repeater" because they firmly believe that your experience should be just as traumatic and jarring as theirs. They will work hard to make sure that it is.

It will not be obvious. They will see things and provide advice with the underlying assumption that divorce can only be a traumatic warzone (even though that isn't true for most divorces). Their own baggage will inadvertently drive them to frame all of your problems in unhealthy ways. They will be super supportive of you, as long as you buy into the narrative that your divorce should match the Repeater's divorce.

If you start showing signs that you are not following the Repeater's pattern, watch out. They might express frustration that you don't "get it." They might feel hurt that you are "rejecting" their advice. On the far end of the spectrum, they might try to manipulate you into replaying their own traumatic divorce - being your cheerleader only if you make the most belligerent decisions, and praising you like a hero when you do.

You probably will not recognize the Repeater at first. You will only recognize the Repeater when you learn more about the Repeater's own divorce and start to see the differences between the Repeater's situation and your own. You can often see signs of the Repeater when his or her advice starts to drastically veer away from that of your lawyers, therapists, and other friends.

You have to understand - the Repeater isn't a villain. The Repeater just has unresolved trauma. You also have to understand that your different choices and the lack of thunderous conflict in your divorce can bet downright threatening to the Repeater, because it brings into focus the uncomfortable truth that the Repeater might bear some responsibility for why things were so bad in their case.

What is the solution? Do you call out the Repeater?

Absolutely not.

1) They didn't ask for it, 2) they wouldn't believe you and 3) they will be offended you said anything. If they are the Repeater, they likely aren't ready to come to terms with things just yet. The best way to handle the Repeater is to take in their advice, thank them for it, and say, "I'll think about it." Going foward, you'll have to be judicious about how much you share with the Repeater, because you know how the information will be processed and used.

Finally, be compassionate towards the Repeater. They're hurt - they likely don't realize it. The best thing you can do is make different choices and model better behavior. Do not rub it in the Repeater's face - just be matter of fact about it. It could be that your example will be the thing that gets the Repeater to finally come to terms with making a different choice.