Timing is Everything

It is not uncommon for someone to come into my office for an initial divorce consultation with a spreadsheet containing a proposed property division. This is a person who has accepted they are getting divorced, dealt with the emotional reactions that go with it, and moved on into the planning phase where they are grappling with the practicalities of what a divorce might actually look like.

"So," I ask, "Does the other party know this is coming?"

"Um, no."

"That's fine, we can work on that, but you may need to put away your spreadsheet for a while."

Many people get to the planning phase and think that divorce will be as simple as breaking the news to the other party and immediately proceeding to discussion of things like permanent property division. What they fail to account for is that divorce is entirely driven by human beings.

We have to allow for things like grief. The illustration below, while not perfect, lays out what a typical grief arc might look like for a person, from the moment they learn a marriage is over to when the divorce happens and it is all said and done and they've truly moved on.

The person in the "planning stage" is somewhere between "depression" and "re-entry." The person who just found out five minutes ago will be in the "shock" stage of this arc and have to navigate through the emotional journey laid out below that, and those steps below it are a harrowing and brutal gauntlet.

In many instances, I have my clients break the news and do very little else in terms of filing or negotiation just to allow the other person some much-needed time and space to respond and recover enough to do some practical problem solving. This isn't always possible; sometimes you need to go to court immediately. Even then, I make a point only to address the things that need to be addressed right now.

When you do this for long enough, you learn that when a discussion happens is just as important as the discussion itself. Possession of a record collection or a condo might be a bloody fight if had when one party is early in their "arc," but could be very easy and practical if time and distance allow both parties to get in to the part of the arc where they are finding new strengths and starting to feel a sense of hope.

This is one of those lessons that lives in divorce but echoes through all aspects of life. Timing is critical. Allow for things to happen in their appropriate time, and you will not believe how much more success you can have.

As always, I hope this helps.