The Bear Problem

The Bear Problem

                As a species, we are not terribly well suited to modern times. Our reaction to danger tends to be very physical in nature. Adrenaline surges. Body temperatures spike. Heart rate elevates. Skin flushes. Blood rushes away from our extremities and pools towards our center. Our thoughts become hyper-fixated and narrow. We tend towards behavioral loops – repeating the same actions over and over with additional fervor.

                This constellation of conditions is great if you’re trying to survive getting attacked by a bear. Think about it. The pooled blood means you’re less likely to bleed to death. The fixation on behavior loops might increase your likelihood of survival – i.e. – if you’re flailing, flail harder. If you’re running, run harder.

                Our reaction is less well-suited to modern problems.

                The other week I was in court. A client was having a very strong anxiety reaction as we waited for our hearing. He apologized profusely. We went outside the courtroom and I assured him that it was OK. I pointed out that our only real built-in tool in times of conflict was “the bear protocol,” even if that reaction wasn’t very helpful.

                A lot of the world around family law and co-parenting really hinges on these bear problems.

In the Gottman Method for relationships and conflict resolution (that’s a whole other series of posts stay tuned), they call this condition of physiological and resulting psychological compromise “flooding.” This means flooded with adrenaline, flooded with emotion, you name it.

                People in this state cannot solve problems. They can just stay locked in behavior loops. Their ability to listen and process outside information dwindles almost to non-existence. Your higher functions get hijacked by the “bear protocol.”

                A lot of the training I do with parents in family law focuses on recognizing these states. If Mom and Dad are talking about something and one or both picks up on the fact that they’re getting ready to fight the proverbial bear, the ideal response is to recognize it, disengage, and revisit the issue when the parties are back in the states of mind where they can effectively solve problems again.

                This sounds simple.

                It is not.

                To start with, most people do not recognize that they’re in a flooded state until both parties are not just flooded, but in full out melt-down. One of the problems when people are in this state is that they start saying really, really dumb things that do not get people closer to the solution to the problem. The parties escalate – by the time they get ahold of themselves, the discussion is a smoking ruin. In many cases, lasting harm is done during the flood that can take years to repair (if you can fix it at all).

                Recognizing when you are in this state takes practice. It is a process of sensitizing and deliberately being aware. In ideal situations, both parents commit to the process and agree to disengage. In many situations, however, one parent simply may not have the awareness or ability to disengage like this – it may become an exercising of monitoring oneself and just not contributing to what is in your side of the fence.

                … and fine-tuning yourself to pick up when other people are in that stage, and at more advanced levels, paying careful attention to how they get in that state.

                While parties can and should both have an understanding of flooding and disengage, you have to be careful even when both parties commit to solving the problem. It is entirely too easy to weaponize it and say, “You’re totally flooded right now! We can’t talk until you calm down!”

                Did you catch the operative word there?

                “You.”

                It can never be accusatory. For yourself, you can say something like, “This is getting pretty intense. I need some time to settle because I want to have a good discussion with you. This is important.”

                Hard to tell someone to go to Hell when they’re telling you that they want to slow down and do a good job.

                If you have to check in with the other party (because you think they are flooded), do not say or suggest how they feel – because you likely have no clue.

“How are you doing right now?”

“Is this a good time to talk about this?”

There are a lot of ways to check in with someone that don’t come across as so judgmental or condescending. In some instances, you may have to ask for the break even if you aren’t the one that needs it. If the other side is flooded and does not have the tools to see it, you can ask for the break and make it about you. You’ll get the same net result – the bear software disengages and the parties get access to their problem solving brain.

                If you do have to pause a discussion like this, do not leave it indefinitely. Take enough time to get settled – ideally at least half an hour, but no more than twenty-four. Make sure the other party knows when you want to come back – that way it does not feel like punishment or the silent treatment.

                If you know that physically being around the other person will trigger the flood, consider something like sending an email or communicating through or with a third party. Part of this whole study will be figuring out exactly what triggers the “bear software” and finding ways to short circuit it and access the most intelligent and secure parts of yourself for problem solving.

                This effort may seem difficult at first. Hell, it may seem downright silly or new age. But I will tell you as someone who has used these tools and coached hundreds of parents through the same, mastering the flood works. You can find yourself able to communicate and work with people that you thought were absolutely impossible. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have seen people reshape their lives and their children’s lives by doing this work well.

                And the nice thing is that the benefits go well beyond co-parenting. Mastering the floor will make you better at work, at relationships, at dealing with your kids, you name it. Even though our conflict centers are still stuck in the problems they evolved to solve thousands of years ago, we all share that wonderful human gift of an intellect that exists beyond our instincts.