The Importance of Self-Care in Divorces

Divorce is a stressful and demanding process. Years or decades of simmering conflicts are brought to the surface, and often had out in public forums. The process is psychologically trying, and in some cases (hopefully as few as possible), traumatic. One of the things that I don't hear enough lawyers talk to clients about is the importance of self care. As a therapist friend of mine said years ago, "Self-care is not a luxury."

She is right. It is mandatory for all people, but this proves especially true in divorce proceedings. You will be called upon to make some of the most difficult decisions in your life. You will have to do it while caring for other people who are going through crisis as well if you have children.

As a lawyer, it can be easy to fixate on the legal aspects of the case or predictions about what the court might do. The longer I practice, though, the more I can see the importance of starting on a far more basic level than that. Healthy, responsible human beings with the right mindset tend to do far better in a divorce, so that is where I start.

I stress to clients the importance of caring for both body and mind.

While the divorce is pending, you should make your physical wellness a priority. Often the psychological aspects of a divorce are too overwhelming at first, so I ask people to start with caring for their bodies. I ask them to maintain good nutrition and sleep schedules, and help come up with plans to do that and accountability partners so that the changes stick. If a client is on any sort of medication, I tell them to take it diligently and only alter it with the help of trained professionals. I tell clients that divorces represent an excellent opportunity to start regular exercise. The physical effects of exercise will do a lot to reduce the stress you feel, and will help you have more energy for the demands of suddenly juggling two households instead of one.

Once clients manage their bodies, I also encourage them to make sure they are caring for their minds. Psychological and emotional wellness can be the difference between a painful and expensive divorce and one that is easy.

There are often deeply traumatic psychological aspects to a divorce. Along with the process itself being stressful, it is often paired with deeply personal conflicts between the parties that have been brewing for years, if not decades. The challenge with divorce is having all these things come to a head a once, and often in public. There are certain things you can do on your own to help, such as keep a journal or meditate, but in my experience, the most important thing to have is people to talk about the process with.

I advise clients to make sure to have at least three close friends that they can speak with about the divorce process. I use the number three because it creates a high likelihood that at least one of the three will always be available if you need support. You should have a discussion with them that they need to be “on duty” to help you get through the process. As challenging as divorces are, many of my clients tell me that these people on their "survival committee" become the best friends they ever have. From my own life, I can tell you that all of my best friendships come from the hard times in my life.

People sometimes have the mistaken impression that divorces start out difficult and scary and get easier over time. There is some truth to this, but the reality is that all stages of the process present challenges. The initial filings and temporary orders cause one type of strain, settlement negotiations cause another, and trials yet another. It will be critical to have several compassionate sets of ears to lend you their support as you process everything.

You should not be afraid of seeking counselling and medication, if you need it. Some people have the mistaken impression that seeking help will somehow harm them, especially in custody litigation. Nothing could be further from the truth. Courts assess a parent’s self-care skills as a core aspect of parenting. Leaving any personal problems unaddressed will harm you much worse than suffering in silence. If you take a pro-active approach to mental health issues, you will be in a much better place than if you vigorously deny them, only to have the court order you into an evaluation against your will. (I should add that you should talk with your lawyer about the best way to go about this self-care; sometimes finding the right expert to help you is just as important as the decision to get help.)

The process of getting yourself ready for a divorce is not unlike training for a marathon. Every day, you will do small things that gradually make you stronger and better-equipped for what is to come. A strong self-care regimen will give you the resilience you need to survive a divorce, but more importantly, it will give you the strength you need to build a new life when the divorce is over.