How You Can Help People Exiting Abusive Relationships

This is one of those entries that is not for those going through divorce, but rather the family and friends on the periphery of the experience. I had the good fortune of teaching a workshop a few weeks ago and the topic was what people could to do help people going through the divorce. One topics that came up (and ended up taking up the majority of the session) was how, as laypeople, we could help people exiting an abusive situation.

Here are my observations from my practice. I hope they are helpful to you.

1. Leave Your Judgment at the Door

For people who have spent months or years in an abusive relationship, setting boundaries often feels utterly terrifying. Taking those initial steps, be they leaving the home, telling the other party to stop certain behaviors, or filing for divorce, can feel like purposefully walking into a forest fire. It takes a colossal amount of effort to break the inertia and take these initial steps. A client once said, "Every day I do this, it feels like there's a thousand-pound weight on my chest all day."

I think that's a fair description.

One of the most common mistakes I see is people (with the best of intentions) being judgmental.

Example: "I made the decision to leave my husband."

"Well, finally! Hallelujah!"

The response might be your initial reaction (and utterly genuine), but it is not necessarily one you should express. People outside of abusive relationships are often mystified by them. To people on the outside, the unhealthiness of the situation seems so obvious. There can be a bone-deep frustration on the part of outsiders because leaving seems so obvious. They ask themselves why the abused party doesn't "get it"?

The answer is not simple. It can be a complex network of things. In many instances, the abused person's traumatic past might (at a very real, behavioral level) lock them into repeating the same unhealthy behaviors (that is a whole separate essay). In other cases, the reasons are practical - a person lacks the finances or the contacts to leave, even if they want to. In a similar vein, some might worry that leaving involves a custody fight they do not have resources to win. Some people might have religious barriers to leaving a relationship... the list does go on and on.

That "well, finally!" tends to carry an unintentional subtext of "why didn't you do this obvious thing sooner, dummy?" It can feel like a real slap in the face to someone that is using all the willpower at their disposal just to take the first steps.

Not the appropriate time to rebuke someone. Even if it is unintentional.

Better responses would be things like asking why they decided to leave, just listening to their concerns, or offering practical assistance if you can provide it (referral to a lawyer or a therapist, leads on new living arrangements, etc.). The main goals are to listen, support, and avoid judgement. Offer advice only if specifically asked, and even then, appropriately (see below).

Later on, when the dust settles, the person leaving will have to square with why they stayed in an unhealthy situation for as long as they did, but figuring that out in these early stages is asking too much.

2. Understand the Nature of the Problem

One of the common (but often overlooked) aspects of people leaving abusive relationships is exhaustion. As an attorney, I am often in a "high alert, high stress" adrenalized state for days or weeks at a time. Afterwards, it takes me quite some time to recover. I have to resume normal eating and sleeping cycles. I have to recover my strength and psychological resilience. This can take days. Or weeks.

In the times when I have been in high stress for long periods of time (which I call having a "stress cooked" brain), my mind does not work well. My memory is poor, and my ability to think and solve problems is impaired. I feel like I am in a fog.

I share this because many people in abusive relationships have been in that "high alert, high stress" state for years. There is literally a physical and psychological recovery that happens when they get out. Many are recovering from an exhaustion that well people literally do not comprehend. You can see the signs of it, and if you know what to look for, they are painfully obvious.

People who don't understand this sometimes get irritated with these survivors because they are forgetful or cannot seem to figure out basic things. They won't text you back. They will space out on that lunch appointment. They will forget to call the lawyer you told them about. You have to understand this is not a character flaw - it is a damaged human machine trying to re-orient and resume normal functioning. It can take months. (Sometimes the psychological aspects can take years.)

Spotting this deep exhaustion this can help you be more compassionate when you work with people like this.

3. Appreciate What You Don't Know

Chances are, you are not a legal professional or a licensed therapist. Do not pretend to be either. I've you have ever heard the expression "a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing," you have heard gospel truth. With the best of intentions, you can give people amateur legal advice which is disastrously wrong, or try to help them come to terms with trauma you have no idea how to treat.

It is very important to compassionately realize when you are outside of your depth, and point the person to the appropriate professionals. Encouragement here is key, since people often "abandon ship" at this stage. As one client told me years ago, "once the lawyers get involved, it gets real."

4. Keep the Focus on Healthy Priorities

I can't tell you how often I have family members wind a client up about who is going to get the four-wheeler... or the blender... or the downstairs TV. I frequently have to draw clients back to the priorities in their case, which are: safety, health, child welfare, and financial responsibility, and not the more trivial things people get hung up on.

It is really easy for people to get caught in a "winning and losing" mentality and tell themselves stories. They make themselves out to be the "good guy" and the other person the "bad guy." Family members, with the best of intentions, can encourage these mentalities and walk away from the exchanges thinking they were being healthy or supportive.

If you are close to someone exiting an abusive relationship, you have to walk a fine line. You have to be understanding and supportive, but you have to be mindful of unhealthy attitudes. This is probably better illustrated with an example.

Example: Betty is getting out of a marriage. She has two elementary school daughters. The girls' father is not parent of the year (let's say for the sake of argument he has been unfaithful to Betty and left the bulk of the parenting to her), but the girls are bonded to dad and they truly do love each other. Betty clearly has some justified anger... but dad is still dad. Dad will be part of the girls' life (and by extension, Betty's) for the remainder of their childhood. You can help Betty by not adopting some of her terms she is using to express her anger, like calling the father "worthless" or a "sperm donor."

This piece of advice isn't easy or always clear cut, but it is absolutely critical to ask yourself, "Am I encouraging healthy behavior and attitudes?" Often, with the best of intentions, we are not.

Conclusion

Helping people getting out of abusive relationships is really, really hard to do well. It is, however, worth it. Those who go through hard divorces will remember the people that stood beside them and suffered with them. Those friendships tend to last for life. In a very real way, lending your strength and compassion can lead to someone transforming their entire life (and by extension, their children's too). One day, you might need that same strength in your own life. Lending it to others is a great way to make sure it is there for you, too.

As always, I hope this helps.