Holidays: Client Perspective

Holidays are rough on my clients. As people go through divorce, years-long traditions are broken for the first time. There isn't nearly enough money to go around. Trees are smaller with less presents. Children and adults alike are struggling with something new. Schedules are odd, with celebrations alternating between parents and occurring at odd times.

Clients often express their frustration with these experiences, and I sympathize. It cannot be easy.

I wish I had some magic piece of advice to fix it. Unfortunately, I do not, but I do usually offer this perspective:

You are focusing on lots of things that aren't there - presents, people, fancy meals, and that sort of thing.

But you may be taking for granted a more profound, sublime absence - conflict.

Even if you are living in a less fancy place, with less gifts under a smaller tree, your efforts are giving you and your family the small (but profound) gift of peace. If you consider all of the old, frantic holiday efforts layered on a dysfunctional relationship, you may find that there was a lot about the "old way" that was really hard on you and the children. Often when I ask clients to describe to me in detail what the holidays were like before the divorce, I get stories of traditions and memories, but lots of discussion of fatigue and arguments. Financial, physical, and emotional strain (which always accompany the holidays at the best of times) make any relationship problems you have that much worse, and that almost inevitably spills over onto other family members during the holidays.

You may end up sitting in a new room with a little "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree, and it can be depressing, but you have to look at it from the right perspective. This is your first step towards building the healthy holidays you want. Like all first steps, they will be shaky and awkward, but that is the nature of beginnings. Years in the future, you may look back with fondness on those shaky beginnings and that "Charlie Brown" tree, because they have become symbols of your independence and your commitment to leading a saner, healthier life.

As always, I hope this helps. Holidays are always hard in divorce. I'll have a separate post about the legal practicalities of holidays, but I have this discussion enough with people that I thought it would be good to reproduce it here.