"He's such a narcissist!" - the Personality Disorder and the Myth

In my experience, there appear to always be popular psychological terms (usually diagnoses) that become popular in common usage. In the past, people often threw around terms like "sociopath" or "oppositional defiance disorder."

These days, the term I hear most frequently is "narcissist." It seems like around 50% of my cases are more involve a client who is making an amateur diagnosis that their former partner is a narcissist. There are books out here about "surviving" divorce with a "narcissistic" co-parent. The problem with "pop culture" psychology is that it is a very surface understanding. To make matters worse, throwing those labels around (among the parties or in court) without a deep understanding of what they mean tends to cause more problems than it cures.

The purpose of this post is to provide some basic information on what narcissistic personality disorder is, and how it impacts family law proceedings.

Before you can understand narcissistic personality disorder ("NPD"), you first have to understand what a personality disorder is in a broader sense.

Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from other people. An individual’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations) and inherited characteristics. A person’s personality typically stays the same over time. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). American Psychiatric Association. (2013).

Personality disorders are different than mood disorders, like depression. Often, people with mood disorders are objectively aware of these issues (to a greater or lesser extent) and tend to have a higher outcome of success when treated. You might hear them say something like "this depression is really kicking my butt." Personality disorders, on the other hand, typically involve more profound cognitive distortions. Several of them are highly resistant to treatment because people with these disorders often have a very difficult time acknowledging that something is wrong with them and seeking treatment.

The actual DSM V criteria for NPD require :

1. Impairments in self-functioning based on identity ("Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem") and self-direction ("Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations").

2. There are also impairments in interpersonal functioning (like severe limitations on empathy, capacity for intimacy).

DSM-5 Criteria - Revised June 2011.

In the "wilds" of family law, my clients experience NPD co-parents as people with significant cognitive distortions. Co-parents with NPD often fixate on the approval of other parties (like the Court or a GAL) at the expense of actual parenting skills. For example, an NPD parent might spend two hours writing an email to the GAL about parenting, while actually ignoring their child. NPD individuals often vastly over-estimate their own contributions to the marital community or their parenting. (Years ago, I had an opposing party I suspected had NPD. My client, the wife, cleaned the whole house top to bottom every week. He literally wanted her to thank him every time he emptied the dishwasher and screamed at her when she didn't. Her own contributions to the home were promptly ignored.)

Perhaps most importantly, most people I have encountered with this disorder are either highly resistant to reflecting on their flaws and errors, or simply cannot do it at all. When their shortcomings are pointed out, people with NPD often become incredibly defensive (sometimes even combative).

NPD is not the same as being a jerk. There are many arrogant and unaware people that have maturity issues - it isn't NPD. They have some of the same symptoms as people with NPD, but it is not at all the same. Several immature people might have the capability (through time and effort) to become skilled parents and partners.

This leads me to the important lessons here:

• Casually calling people "narcissists" or diagnosing NPD is a grave mistake. There are specific criteria for this diagnosis and lay people are not equipped to make these diagnoses. Full stop. Even professionals diagnose personality disorders with great caution.

• Making these diagnoses (or even worse, using them in court filing) without the proper information causes more harm than good. If a person does not have NPD, you are effectively pigeon-holing them and reducing the future likelihood you will be able to build a co-parenting relationship with them. To make matters worse, most Courts are psychology savvy and will not appreciate your efforts. If the person does have NPD, you just ensured the most combative, aggressive, and defensive response possible.

• It is important to be aware of the criteria for NPD. If you think your co-parent may have this issue, talk to qualified counsellors, co-parenting coaches, and lawyers about how to deal with this. Having an NPD co-parent will never be easy, but there are strategies you can use to minimize harm and conflict and reduce the toll the illness takes on you and any children you and the co-parent have in common.

Hopefully this information helps. I think we all benefit as a society when we make the effort to understand clinical terms instead of just repeating them because they sounded good on TV or in a book.