Falling Off the Horse: Children's View of Parents During a Divorce

Brene Brown shares a great story in one of her TED talks about a father who came with his daughters to a book-signing she was doing. As they talked about the nature of fatherhood, the father said to Brene "My wife and three daughters, the ones who you just signed the books for, they had rather see me die on top of my white horse than have to watch me fall off."

There's a really deep kernel of truth there. Children form very idealized views of their parents. Part of everyone's life journey is growing up, and at some point, coming to a very meaningful realization that their parents are not the idealized images in their mind. Nearly everyone really struggles with this. No one wants to see their parent "fall off the horse," so to speak, and show their meaningful imperfections.

One of the real challenges in a divorce is that it accelerates this process. Despite the best advice from the best professionals, despite the most diligent efforts of parents, children will perceive the fundamental issues underlying a divorce. A child might have to confront difficult truths.

"Dad cheated on mom."

"Mom has a drinking problem."

"Dad has a gambling addiction."

"Mom spent our school money on a vacation."

The list goes on and on. For most people, the moment the parent falls off the proverbial horse is hard enough if it happens outside of a divorce. As teenagers, many people get to this point and harshly judge their parents because this realization is not accompanied by context or life experience. Teens often act out because they are in psychological turmoil from these realizations. Teens grieve the death of the idealized image and they act out. The pain lasts. It is not uncommon for teens to be unable to view their parent's behavior with understanding and compassion until they are much, much older.

Now imagine how a nine year-old deals with those same revelations about their parents. These children have even less tools than the teenager. The revelation is that much more alarming, because it occurs in the context of a divorce, which is already scary and chaotic. Imagine that: not only is your world falling apart, but your protectors turn out not to be the people you thought they were. They have made mistakes which seem way outside of the lessons they got in school about how to act.

If you have read a news headline in the past century, you realize that one of the way humans deal with discomfort is to apportion blame. If a parent's obvious mistake led to a divorce and the child knows it, that behavior is often like a lightning rod for the grieving child to channel all their hurt. I've known some kids that have said stunningly unfair and painful things to a parent who just "fell off the horse," so to speak.

When children exhibit behavior problems in the context of a divorce, I try to share this lesson with parents. Even in a relatively "clean" divorce, the children have been dealt a difficult hand that they did not ask for. It is extremely important to see some of the bad behavior kids exhibit as exactly what it is - ill-equipped young people who have been rocked hard trying to come to grips with their new world. The anger is a form of grief because the child has been confronted with hard realizations about their parents years before they would be ready for such a thing.

I get questions from parents about how to deal with this.

There is not an easy answer.

The best answer I can give is: "Talk to a therapist."

I stand by that answer, but in case you do not have one handy, I can share with you what has worked well for many of my parents.

Own it.

The most important thing is to be real and own it if you fell short. I'm not suggesting you talk to a child about the gory details of however you screwed up or involve them in the divorce, but find appropriate ways to speak with your child about it. You cannot just ignore the elephant in the room and pretend like everything is the same. Maybe you have a heart to heart with the child at a meal. Maybe you work through it with a family therapist. Whatever you do, do not ignore it because that can lead to all sorts of unhealthy dynamics in the future.

The other piece of advice? Do the work.

As rough as this type of situation is, it is still an opportunity to show your child how an adult can be accountable for their actions. You should do the work to restore yourself as best as you can, and do not be secret about that work, either. To re-balance the relationship, the child is going to need to see that your accountability lives in the actions you take, not the words you say. (Remember, even a two year-old has already figured out that talk is cheap.) One of the things people sometimes forget is that children want you back up on the horse. They want to see you take the actions to get back on the horse, and in the right ways, having their eyes on you can be powerful fuel for your own recovery and transformation.

As always, I hope this helps.