Divorce Survival Tool: Humor

(Before I get into the lengthy post about temporary orders, I wanted to share this because it came up in my practice recently.)

Divorces can seem like an entire life and world unravelling. For a period, everything seems to be insane. It is understandable to be grim and serious in light of the dark clouds hanging over you. There are several tools you can use to survive this, but one not commonly discussed is humor.

Before I explain, let me give you some context.

I've been with my wife for almost twenty years at this point. We joke with each other constantly. Partially, this is because it is fun, but the other reason is that humor is a way to look at difficult truths and communicate about them. There are several things that, if I just pointed them out, would raise hackles and lead to an argument. Bringing it up in a funny way takes out that element of it feeling like a personal attack. The humor strips the truth of all the other baggage that would come with it otherwise.

I was astounded to discover how much humor can take your ego out of things, and allow you to see things as they really are without being threatened. Comics have used humor to get away with communicating profound truth for years. I realized this was something that, if I used it judiciously, could be helpful in my law practice.

I'm not suggesting you start joking around with the person you are divorcing, but I would encourage you to find humor in this oddly surreal situation you find yourself in during a divorce. Humor will sneak in during the strangest parts of the case.

Several years ago, at a mediation, I had a client who was almost screaming over which party was going to get a bookcase in a settlement negotiations. Even though hundreds of thousands of dollars were at stake, she paced back and forth in my office, gesturing wildly and giving me a detailed history of the bookcase and why it was hers. After about fifteen minutes, I slid two pieces of paper across the table at her.

"What are these?!" she demanded.

One was a print-out of how much a new bookcase costs. The other was our fee agreement with my hourly rate.

"We can fight to the death over this bookcase, but if you keep at it for another seven minutes, you'll have spent the cost of a new one in legal fees talking about the old one."

The anger drained from her face, and she started laughing.

"It's not about the bookcase, is it? That's not why you're mad."

"No," she said, "It certainly isn't."

One of the things that is neigh-inevitable during divorces is ridiculous behavior. It isn't the result of personal failings. It is just part of being human and going through adversity. If you can look at it with a sense of humor, you won't beat yourself up over it, and you will let it go easier.

Throughout the case, I periodically sent her pictures of that bookcase when she'd veer of course, and she immediately got on track, seeing the forest instead of the trees. It became a wonderful running joke. She threatened to buy me one of those bookcases when we finished the case up. From what I understand, the new one lives in her house and serves as a reminder to focus on what is important.

Of course, I'm not suggesting you limit levity to your lawyers.

I would strongly encourage you to reach out to your friends during a divorce. Find things to laugh about. It is truly remarkable how much wellness you can recover with just a little time being ridiculous with friends, whether its trying something new or reminiscing about ridiculousness from your past. Be it through my marriage, or my many years as a public defender, humor was something we used to survive difficult and trying times. In fact, you'll see a healthy sense of it in almost any high-stress profession for that very reason.

During a divorce, it is really easy to get to thinking that everything in the world is dark. The light is still there. You just have to look for it, and it will keep you on the right path.

Good luck!