Different Parenting Plans for Different Ages and Stages

A common mistake made by clients (and Courts) is adoption of a "one size fits all" attitude for parenting plans. The reality of parenting plans is that children have different needs - an infant's needs vastly differ from those of a teenager struggling with chronic anxiety. One of the greatest disservices we can do is to apply simple formulas to custody determinations.

This is perhaps best illustrated with a few examples.

Infants: A hard reality of divorce and parenting plans is that parents separate shortly after a child is born. In these cases, especially if a child is nursing, giving Dad "every other weekend" creates some very real problems - the infant has to adjust to a new environment and there is the logistical nightmare of how feeding will work. Making the co-parents exchange breastmilk or having the child switch from that to formula are both bad options-- hard on the child and the parents.

In these circumstances, the better developmental plan might be short visits several times a week so that Dad can bond with the baby and avoid the feeding challenges. In some cases, it can even work to have what's called a "nesting" arrangement, where Dad comes to Mom's house to spend some custodial time.

In these cases, it can seem as if Dad is "giving up his time" to adopt a plan like this, but I point out two important points when this comes up:

One: The plan is about the child's best interest, not what the parent wants.

Two: plans can be adjusted over time - in cases like this example, you might institute a phased plan that gradually increases Dad's time until he does have full weekends (or even more) as child grows in independence and ability to adapt.

Teenagers: It is not uncommon for a teenager to have conflict with one parent. In many instances, the parenting plan should stay exactly as it is when this happens. Teen and parent need to just buckle down and work through the conflict that comes with the age.

In some instances, though, the best option is to temporarily modify the parenting plan to spend time with the other parent more.

In one of my cases, Mom was the primary custodian and Dad had every other weekend. Mom was an absolutely stellar parent. Daughter developed fairly severe depression which made her irritable. Her mom, understandably worried, got into knock-down and drag out arguments with her. Dad had actually dealt with depression in the past, including taking medication and attending therapy. He had a more naturally laid-back disposition and he was well-suited to provide the guidance and space daughter needed.

At that particular moment, Dad was the better parent to help get daughter into treatment and levelled out. Conflict with Mom was actually making recovery a lot harder.

The parties ultimately agreed that daughter would stay with Dad for a summer. We were careful to write it all up so it wasn't used as the basis for a permanent modification of the plan, but in that instance, the parties being flexible and looking at what the child needed made a huge difference.

Addictions: Sometimes one or both parents might suffer from addictions. The "formula parenting plan" basically just punishes the parent with an addiction. Better ones actually look at a specific parent's addiction and includes a tailored safety plan. For example, a functional alcoholic parent who can stay sober on the weekend might have drastically different restrictions than someone who suffers from a heroin addiction. The former might just need some basic safeguards to make sure he/she stays sober during residential time. The latter might need orders requiring total abstinence, random drug testing, and a proscribed evaluation program in the event that there is a sobriety lapse.

Conclusion: As you are working on a potential parenting plan, I encourage you to look deeper. If you hear an attorney say "this is what we usually do," do not accept that at face value; think about what is going to work best for your situation. You may ultimately adopt a "standard" plan, but hopefully you only do so about thinking carefully about your child and their needs.

As always, I hope this helps.