Checking in with Your Kids during Divorce

"However perceptive you think your kids are, double it and then you're in the right ballpark."

I say this to people all the time and I believe it whole-heartedly. I cannot tell you how often I encounter parents who believe their children are only marginally aware of divorce proceedings and the associated fall-out. There are the obvious things parents know children perceive, like a parent leaving the house or setting up a new home, but then there are the less obvious things that go along with a divorce, too - disagreement, financial strain, uncertainty, grief, depression. One of the deep truths of human life is that our children see way more about us than we want them to, and way more than we realize.

Even when parents do a good job of keeping the tensions and disagreements away from the children, children often perceive the strain the parents are under during a divorce. This can be very hard for them, because children have to manage both their own turmoil from a divorce and the knowledge that their parents, their main source of safety and security in the world, are not OK.

Because of this, it is absolutely important to check in on children, and do so frequently. How parents go about doing so is critical.

The check-in cannot be cursory. I spoke with a client about this several years ago, and asked her if she was checking in with the kids. She replied with great confidence that she asked her daughter how she was handling the divorce "every night" after dinner. I asked if she ever got an answer that was more than two sentences.

She ruefully admitted that she had never learned anything from her questioning. Even though her heart and intention were in the right place, her technique was way off.

Simply asking a child, "How are you doing with everything?" is practically guaranteed to give you a non-answer. In many cases, a child will not have the tools to answer this question (or the inclination to do so). In some instances, a child literally will not know because their self-awareness is not developed enough.

Equally problematic is what I call the "interrogation method," where a concerned parent hammers a child with questions until they "get to the bottom of it." These intense questioning sessions can result in a child closing off even more, not wanting to put their feelings under the microscope for fear of them becoming an issue in a divorce.

Checking in requires lots of time and creating space for a child to open up. I will give an example from my own parenting efforts to try and illustrate what I am talking about.

If I ask my son (who is eleven) how he is doing, I will almost inevitably get a cursory "fine." What I do instead is play video games with him. He and I have been playing games together as a hobby and bonding exercise since he was about four years old. Over hours spent playing, he relaxes and starts talking. With his mind drawn to something safe and enjoyable (playing the game), he eventually has enough space and relaxation to speak his mind.

For my part, I spend a lot of time listening. When I ask questions, I do what they tell you to do in law school for depositions - I ask open-ended questions that do not suggest a response. I let him share as much or as little as he wants. This can be a challenge, especially since, as a parent, you want to know what is going on as soon as possible. The discipline is to keep doing this, and make myself available and approachable, having faith that I have done the work that will enable him to come to me with problems.

A good way to "test your technique" in this sense is to think about the people in your life who you open up to. Ask yourself what qualities those people have, and ask yourself if you have those qualities for your kids.

For some children (often teenagers), one of the hard things to accept is that you may not be the right person to check in with your child. Often, teens will want to talk about things and come to grips with changes outside the "battlefield" of the two parents. They may have things that they do not feel ready to talk to their parents about. In some cases, one or both parents may be exhibiting behavior the child has real problems with. In that sense, having someone that is safe and neutral, like a therapist, can be a real boon. The discipline in these cases is to do your best and be available, and have faith that your child and his/her care providers are doing important work.

The last suggestion I have for you in checking in is being open about how you are doing with your kids. Sharing the details is not appropriate in many cases, but it is totally acceptable to share with your children that you are going through a difficult time. In that sense, the divorce is an opportunity to model good self-care behavior for your child. Let them see you socialize, exercise, connect with people, and make healthy decisions. Let them see you be accountable for your behavior and be willing to change it. Your child's life will inevitably have its own crisis, and you have the opportunity to provide them with an invaluable "blueprint" for how to navigate it safely and ethically.

Hopefully this information helps. If you would like to learn more about this topic, there are several great resources out there. The one I use as a "go to" is "The Co-Parenting Handbook" by Karen Bonnell. She is local here in Snohomish County, and a wonderful resource. This book is required reading for my clients. I will put the link below.

As always, I wish you the best of luck.

https://www.amazon.com/Co-Parenting-Handbook-Well-Adjusted-Resilient-Separation/dp/1632171465