The Menace of the Pressure Washer - The Inane that Isn't

Years ago, I had a client in a divorce case. Her husband had left the house about three months before she contacted me, but their dynamic was still far from healthy. He was the main earner in the house, and their text messages about keeping the bills paid in his absence were practically a textbook of the "soft abusive dynamic." No hard threats (indeed no violence at all between them), but there was a subtle, pervasive effort at interpersonal dominance in all of the exchanges.

"I'll keep paying your cable bill, but it needs to stay in my name so I can see what's going on. I don't want you making any changes."

This was silly.

Both of the parties were employed and could have paid the cable bill. More to the point, my client could have added every cable add-on imaginable and it wouldn't have done anything to meaningfully threaten the parties' joint budget. The husband made a fortune.

But if she wanted help, Big Brother had to watch.

This was one of several examples I saw.

When she came to see me, I explained how courts typically order - on a temporary basis - who pays what bills in order to avoid this turning into some sort of weird power game. I recommended that we do so here. Even if we did not go to court, we should put all the obligations down in an agreed court order.

She insisted that she was just trying to be amicable and didn't want to be "that aggressive." I told her that I understood, but I did not let her off the hook, either.

I asked her how long she'd been paying the cable bill from the joint account without incident.

"Ten years at least."

I asked her, "He ever feel the need to monitor you paying it before?"

"I'm not sure he even know how to go online and look at it before we got divorced."

"Have you ever added any services before without his knowledge?"

"I've never added any services at all. We get basic cable for my shows and the good internet for our daughter. Been that way forever."

"Ok, I'm going task you a question, and I don't want the answer right now - please think about it. Why is it a big deal now?"

I left her with that.

Before we could get deeper into the issue, things came to head over something entirely different: a pressure washer.

Even though the husband had been out of the house for months, he texted her, "I went by the house. The sidewalks and siding look like sh%*. I'm coming over and pressure washing everything this weekend. I thought we said you were going to take care of the house - you clearly can't do that."

My client called me in a panic. She was upset that he had surveilled the house. She was upset that he'd verbally attacked her and made her feel like she wasn't holding up her end of the baregain. More importantly, she was upset that he was going to be coming by. The idea of him in the garage and around the house, glaring and working for the day, was enough to give her an anxiety attack. She did not want that at all.

On my advice, she texted him back, "Thanks for the offer, but I'll handle getting your concerns addressed. No need for you to come by. Thanks for bringing up what you wanted done."

(If you wonder, that's the correct opening salvo for these sort of things, but that's a different post.)

"That's stupid," he replied, "You don't know how to use the pressure washer and it's a waste of money for someone else to do it. I'm coming over."

She got a bit more direct. "We agreed I'm taking care of the house. I do not want you to come over and pressure wash this weekend. Please do not come over."

He pointed out that it was his house too. He pointed out (correctly) that there was no court order keeping him from coming over. "What are they going to do? Arrest me for pressure washing my house? Don't be an idiot."

Subtext: I can do what you want and you can't stop me. Also, I'm smarter than you.

At this point, I told me client that I would handle it. As much as she could have suffered through it, sometimes having an outside force come in and set the boundary totally blows up the familiar dynamic.

I called and introduced myself. We'd never spoken directly before. I explained how temporary orders work and that he had left the house several months ago. I read him some of the texts he had sent his wife and explained how a court would view that. I reiterated to him that we would agree to be responsible for any home maintenance concernts,but f inally, I told him that if he tried going over there this weekend he should expect an emergency trip to court next week to exclude him from the home, citing his harassing and insulting text messages.

Apparently he wanted no part of that.

I also told him that any further discussion of the house maintenance went through me unless he wanted a trip to court.

He backed off, but I could tell that he was furious that I wasn't going to let him keep intimidating her.

In the aftermath, I sat down with my client again to do what I call an "after-action review."

"Do you remember my cable bill question?"

"Yeah?"

"Let me add a few more to the pot and let's see if we can get to the answer. First question - is there an HOA in your neighborhood?"

"No."

"Are you getting the house ready for sale?"

"Of course not. Not without a court order."

I smiled at that. "Good answer." She paid attention when I'd gone over the basics with her.

"Ok - let's go for extra credit - when was the last time the house and sidewalk got pressure washed?"

She stopped and thought about it.

"At least five years ago."

"So, riddle me this," I said, "What did it have to get done this weekend?"

I saw it click.

"This is all dumb stuff. It's all irrelevant. He's doing it because he thinks that if I'm scared I'll just give up, or at least roll over on the divorce terms. He's done crap like this for years - turn up the pressure enough and I fold. Thanks for pointing it out - and for sending him packing."

I told her that we were changing a dynamic that had gone on for more than twenty years. I warned her that this first hard boundary was going to send him into a panic. He wouldn't realize he was panicking - he'd just see it as righteous anger and outrage. I warned her that he'd probably try to go around me and talk to her directly.

I made her promise to ignore him when she inevitably got the crappy, passive aggressive text from him.

She did.

She also ignored the next dozen, until she gently told him that if he kept it up he'd be looking at a restraining order. He finally figured it out and left her alone.

That pressure washer "crisis" was the turning point for her. From then on, she saw the inane things for what they were - manipulation attempts she was no longer going to fall for. Even when she did text him, the tone of it continued to be that short, direct and respectful - but firm - tone. She was done playing along with the game. Eventually, he figured it out and they were able to get their divorce worked out.

If you've experienced manufactured "crisis points" like this in a relationship, I encourage you to ask the questions I did.

Why is this important?

Why is this important right now?

Was this important in the past?

Is this important long-term?

What else could be going on here?

Usually, if there is an unhealthy dynamic going on, that's enough to break you out of your own head and see those things for what they are.

And if you find you've been getting "sucked in" to these things for years? Give yourself some grace. Happens to everyone. It's part of the journey.

The key is just to see it and do something different.