Beyond the White Knuckles

Among people in substance abuse recovery, there is a commonly used term: the "white-knuckle" approach. This is named because peoples' knuckles typically turn white when they are holding on for dear life. More practically, this means trying to quit a substance with literally no outside support network or mechanisms - just sheer, raw will.

While there are the exceptions, practical experience has informed me (and most other people I know) that the "white knuckle" method typically does not work if you are trying to change behaviors - typically deeply-ingrained ones.

What in the world does this have to do with divorce? Well, even in cases where substance abuse is not an issue, there is typically a very heavy ask in terms of behavior modification. Two people who had enough dysfunction to get divorced and sunder their household still have to somehow work together well enough to raise and support children - a daunting task without any extra complications.

In many instances, people essentially swear to themselves (or others) that they will do differently. They might even be successful for a while, but if the only thing keeping the new behavior in place is a "pinky promise," the modifications typically do not last.

In my observations, the ones that last almost always have some component of outside support. In this sense, the solution is not "one size fits all." I have seen all kinds of different things work.

I had one lady that went to Mass every day. Something about that ritual gave her enough mental and emotional space not to react to her ex, even when he sent a provocative and manipulative text. I have had a lot of people find success with support groups, talk therapy, and medication (or some combination thereof). In some cases, people will read books or attend classes to get better communication tools and identify old dysfunctions so they don't get "caught" again and again.

Sometimes, the external support can be a lot more practical and immediate. For example, in some cases, I have court orders requiring parents to talk exclusively through a co-parenting app and limit discussions to co-parenting. In one case, my client literally gave her best friend her phone whenver she got a crappy text from her co-parent because she knew that if she kept it on her, she was incapable of not responding.

I typically meet resistance when I suggest these things to people. They roll their eyes and think that these things are either hokey self-help or that they are "too smart" to need such basic support. They feel embarrassed to try these things, like needing help is some admission of failure or weakness. I think that is where people get ham-strung.

(It is a separate essay, but I think the deeper issue is a fear of change, but it masquerades as surface stuff like, "I'm too smart to need dumb stuff like that.")

In reality, it has nothing to do with your intelligence, your willpower, your courage, or whatever else you think about yourself. I have seen people with staggeringly powerful mental or phyisical or spiritual strength suffer, falter, and fail in the attempt to change their behavior. Behavior modification is all about stimuli and responses.

In many instances, I tell people "suspend your disbelief and just try it." I will follow up and say, "Don't just go through the motions, really do it." Some do. Some don't because they are not ready.

For the ones that are really resistant, I go back to recovery axioms and point out that insanity is frequently defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Put plainly, you cannot find a different life by doing the same things you've always done and wishing for a differenr result. If you want to live different, you have to do different.

And odds are very high that you will need help.

If you are going through a divorce, I hope you give this some thought. If you are still feeling resistance, let me leave you with one final thing to consider:

If your computer breaks or your car, you typically do not feel shame about seeking outside help. The problem is outside your skillset, so you find someone that can fix it. I've never seen anyone go to a roofer and say, "I'm so embarassed I can't roof this entire house myself!"

Why would you treat fixing you any different than you would treat fixing your roof or your car? I'd love to know your answer.