It Can Take Several Tries - The Challenges of Leaving

One of the most common scenarios in my family law practice: A client comes in for a consultation on a divorce. In the course of the discussion, it becomes apparent that the client is leaving an abusive relationship. I detail the legal process and the various things that can be done to protect the client and her family from the abusive behavior. We talk about next steps, set up a time to start working on them... and then nothing. The client either does not show or cancels for the follow-up appointment.

Months (sometimes years) later, I will hear back from the client. The client is often extremely embarrassed and apologetic about vanishing. I have assure the client that this is a totally normal thing.

"On average, it takes a woman seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good." Jayne Clayborne, director of community relations at the James House shelter for victims of domestic violence shared this piece of data during one of her talks. This was based on the practical experience from the people at James House, but it certainly matches my years of experience working with people escaping abusive relationships.

There are all kinds of barriers to leaving an abusive relationship. There are economical barriers (hiring lawyers, paying for a new home, supporting the household on one income), social barriers (stigma), emotional barriers (shame, fear, uncertainty) and, of course, physical ones (the physical danger of leaving an abuser).

This is compounded by the fact that many abusers are highly skilled manipulators, creating scenarios where it is difficult to leave or utilizing charm to try and "smooth over" inexcusable behavior.

Getting out is extraordinarily hard. It's like scaling an impossibly high mountain. So many variables have to line up just right for it to work.

I understand this, as do most of the people who work in my field. We do not judge people when they make multiple attempts. We do not look down on them for lack of courage or disregard for safety or anything like that. We know it's not as simple as "just leaving." Our job is to educate, encourage, and provide resources.

Knowing that, if you've reached out for help before but have not been able to go through with it, please do not stop yourself from reaching again because you are worried your lawyer will judge you. We will not - we understand that the process is difficult and so do the Courts here in Snohomish County. We know it can take a few tries and months or years to get to the right place to proceed.

All we want to do is help you get there. As always, I hope this helps.