"Hand Over the Phone"

When people get into treatment for alcohol addiction, a common component of the treatment is to go through their homes and get rid of every drop of alcohol there. Beer, liquor, wine... even mouthwash. (I can't tell you how many times I've actually had a client get desperate and drink Scope.)

The reason for this is utterly practical. If someone has alcohol in their house and they are an alcoholic... they'll drink it.

If someone has an addiction to drugs, a part of the treatment process is to actually contact former dealers and cut off contact. Typically it even involves getting a new phone just to make sure that aforesaid dealer will not have the means to "check in" on you in the future.

What does this have to do with divorce?

Toxic relationships have incredible power. Some people get trapped in them for years, and cling to them with the same tenacity that an alcoholic might their liquor or a drug addict might their prescription of choice. That same type of brain chemistry can be at work.

The only difference?

A bottle of Vodka can't do a background check and find your new address. You do not share children or a house with your illegal drugs. A toxic relationship is fundamentally different because even if you are ready to quit, there may be another party on the other side that is adamantly unwilling (or maybe incapable) of doing the same.

My standard advice to clients in high conflict divorces is "stop talking to them after they're served with paperwork." If it is a custody case, that typically is followed by instructions to only communicate about the kids and only through a court-verifiable application, like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents.

But there are some situations where the toxic dynamic is so powerful that even those restrictions are simply not enough. The person has to be cut off from their toxic ex the way that a drug addict has to be physically and practically removed from their drugs and go through an extensive and painful "detox" period.

In these instances, the person (like an addict in their early stages of rehabilitation) needs a lot of outside help. Just as people in AA have to admit they are powerless over their addiction and need help, so do people in these types of relationships.

Helpers need to be carefully selected. There are the legal ones (like me), clinical ones (like good therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists) and then the laypeople that have the knowledge, wisdom, and credibility to be part of the process.

In one instance, a woman came to my office with her best friend. As we got to the part of the discussion where we talked about whether or not she could communicate with her ex, her best friend asked my client to hand over her phone. It was an extreme measure, but in that instance, it was the right one. Best friend kept the phone until after the other party was served with papers (which included a restraining order) and we ultimately had to get rid of the old phone number.

Even then, it was a struggle. All in in all, it took my client about four weeks to stop experiencing the physical symptoms (panic attacks, insomnia, compulsive behaviors, obsessive thinking) associated with ending the toxic relationship. My client's therapist pointed out that this was almost the same amount of time it took for physical withdrawal from alcohol addiction to run its initial course.

My point in sharing all this is to get you out of simplistic thinking. The easiest thing in the world is to say, "X person should leave Y person. It's so obvious."

Most drunks know they need to stop drinking. And yet...

You cannot be a meaningful part of the solution until you stop treating some of these behavior patterns as moral weaknesses and start treating them as what they are - behavioral issues that require professional intervention. There are certainly people that can be pushed, cajoled, or shamed into leaving a bad relationship, but for many, it truly is the same cycle somebody has to go through in overcoming an addiction.

If you are either in this place or know someone who is the same, I'm hopeful you will think about this and approach the situation with practicality and problem-solving instead of just strong opinions. It could make all the difference in the final outcome.

And if you're the proverbial person that needs to hand over the phone? Take the leap of faith. If good professionals are helping you, they're asking you to do the "scary unthinkable thing" for a reason. Future you (with your future much healthier life and relationships) will thank you.